amariahellcat: (Default)
 So. It's been a year since I've posted here, it seems; hadn't noticed till now, wow. Journaling just isn't a big part of my life, I guess. I don't really know what is a big part of my life anymore. I feel... left out, kind of, like I don't really belong anywhere anymore. Is that normal? Is that common? I donno. This is pretty much the first time I've mentioned it anywhere; no one's noticed anything wrong with me. Just means I'm good at acting, I guess. Because that's what I always do. I pretend I'm ok. I pretend that I'm fine with everything around me, that there's nothing wrong; if I want you to think I'm happy, you think I'm happy. If I pretend to be fine, everyone think's I'm fine.

 It's how it's always been. I act the part of the strong one, the one that never lets anything get her down, the one who's always there for her friends when they need cheering up, or support, or a shoulder to cry on.

 But I can't do it anymore. I'm not stable, I haven't been for over a year, since the whole thing with my parents started. I get the urge to cry so often, over the dumbest reasons, and can never let myself actually cry because I hate seeming weak.

 I feel like I don't belong anymore, like I have nothing that I'm a part of. All my friends here in Oshawa are still in high school while I'm off at Trent. Jeff's gone to Waterloo, and it already feels like he's drifted. All my net friends have things that they're into, or families to tend to, or school to go to. Me? I feel like I have nothing.

 I miss RPing, as stupid as it might sound. I'm used to having one going, constantly, but now I feel lost because I don't. The few that I've heard of, here on LJ, are either to far into their storylines or are things I wouldn't be able to join in. A newer one I've heard of from a couple of people, Kyeria, sounds interesting but also wouldn't work for me. Why?

 I'm an OC player. I have yet to find any actual cannon characters to anything that I think I could play properly. I'm used to working with my own characters, not someone elses. The only two I could even have a chance of pulling off would be Sphinx and Zack Fair. Sphinx is mute, which makes things especially difficult, and I'm just... not confident in my Zack. At all. For Misa and Nashi, Kyeria is probably perfect; they're good at playing cannon characters, and at LJ RPing. I'm not.

 And I miss my Fandom. God, where did all the people in the Jak fandom go? I'd just barely gotten into it when everyone started disappearing. I feel like I have nothing. All I have is Faeriestone, which I can barely share with anyone. It's posted, but not many people seem to care. Do I blame them? Not really, it's just disappointing to have something you pour your soul into go unnoticed. Uncared for. Unheard of.

 Sure, I'm setting up an RP of my own that's pre-Faeriestone. But how many people will join? I don't know. All I can do is work on it and hope that people like it.

 I sound like such a wimp, but this needed to be let out. No one'll probably read it anyways.

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amariahellcat: (Default)
Cassandra G

November 2011

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